So I went to my first womans conferance in indianapolis yesterday and friday. Signed up and went w/o knowing what it was about. Just knew God wanted me to go. The first two sessions didn't mean a thing to me but the third one that i ended up going by myself did. It was weird. I looked at the sessions that were being held and for some odd reason knew I had to go to this one called Legacy of Faith. They talked about continuing to pass down the word of God. Having a entire family of buddhists, shintoist, and atheist I have been troubled with the thought of how little time I have to get my walk with God right so I can be a better witness to them. I also have a little sister who I love and would do anything to get her to become a believer some day. But the pressure is so enormous.  The session leaders just really let me know all I can really do is do my best. There is nothing else I can do and I needed to hear that. Learned fun activities I can do with lil sis sarah to teach her I Corinthians  After the session I actually ate with the session leaders and their daughters. Had a awesome time.

After lunch we had one last praise and worship/sermon and that really hit me hard. This lady sang a song and the lyrics talked about how we try to make this perfect image to fit the perfect qualities that lead to our perfect looking resume. She said the exact words "RESUME". I've never in my life heard that word in a song and even more heard it at the most PERFECT timing. I've been bombarded with so many comments saying how dumb and blind I was to throw Purdue away just within a month. Its crushed, blinded, and brought me back just to the idea about my resume. Not about my personal needs and what God says is ok to do. So after hearing that song I was reminded that this wasnt about me and my resume. Its about me and God. I need to have faith that whatever decision I come up with God is the best and believe that he knows best.Its about faith.

Tons of things have been going through my heart and head. I've been deeply impacted and it's been having a huge affect on how I am feeling and thinking on what Im suppose to do in the next few months. My priorities in life in general seemed to have changed radically and it scares the crap out of me. Is it possible that priorities can be affected just within 3 days?

I thought that I lost my mind and was being emotional and you know that I hate basing decisions on emotions. I am a very "responsibility, realistic, and logic" kinda person when it comes to making decisions. I try not to let emotions sway me in anyway cause then i might not make a right decision.

But when I mentioned what and how my priorities in life has changed to a couple of people they saw it as a god given thing. Is it? maybe it is...I guess Im just freaked out with how my thoughts have changed. Im just praying I haven't fallen into the trap that many girls go through.

Another thing that hit me hard was when my friend who knows what God is wanting me to do said that "poor doesnt always mean financially-you could be called to reach out to the poor in spirit." What is god trying to tell me? Im praying that I will be open to anything he is gonna say to me. At this point I just started to pray for myself so that's been a huge step. I need to keep opening up again to see what he wants from me. And I need to someday learn that he might have something incredible in store for me. Does he hear my desires? and would he be willing to give it to me?

The depth of the pain of the realization that I came to Purdue out of pride instead of go to Harrisburg is unbearable. I can't believe how much I talked about how God wanted me to go to Harrisburg and how I still went ahead and contacted Purdue (mostly bc I didnt even expect them to accept me within 5 days especially for this semester). I acted upon my own will when everyone including myself was at peace of going to Harrisburg....the only thing that raced through my head was how I wanted to go to a well known school-i wanted to walk around and be able to say that i was going to purdue.  my dad even saw that it was not just a coincidance that people who I loved and loved me were gonna be close to me if i went to harrisburg. He felt peace when he knew that the spangler's were gonna be there and so did I yet I thought about what i wanted stamped on my degree and went ahead with purdue....Did I really listen to everyone's sincere comment and take everything to heart? or was i too busy telling myself that god opened the doors at purdue when really it could have just been my own actions and a coincidence that they let me in so quick....failing 3 classes and dealing with some things over here I start to wonder if I just made the biggest mistake of my life for chosing to come here.....would i have been a top student at harrisburg? was i suppose to be in teh city so i could have had a internship? was God giving me the chance to break free from my family so that I could be reminded what marriage and family was all about in pennsylvania? all questions are going through my head and all i can do is cry.....Just the overwhelming feeling that Im not suppose to be here and that maybe i should have taken the other road....